Midlife Crisis

21 Apr

I know I am not even close to be considered “old” but all I see is all the girls my age getting engaged or pregnant. I am greatly happy for all of them and their new upcoming futures but…

is there something wrong with me? Is it that I must change things within myself in order to be loved the proper way? I’ve dated quite a few and they just all go wrong. I still don’t know what the actual issue is and I need help figuring it all out.

The other day I also had a small procedure done…hoping its not cancerous. What will I do with myself if it is? I don’t believe I am strong enough to deal with something like that. I don’t really have anyone that would actually be there but my own mother. It’s sad when I sit and realize how I really have no one to depend on or lean on.

Hopefully the results turn out well…if not, I don’t know how I would actually live with myself.

Been awhile…

24 Jun

So I haven’t been on here in probably over a year. I want to write before I read what I used to write about.

Life in general…

Well I left my job AGAIN. Same drama as usual but this time family interfered. It really hit me about week three or four and now I got into my actual career which luckily I was hired awfully quick and I’m proud but still a long way to go till August. It’s been sooo boring being at home I swear I don’t know how anyone enjoys being unemployed or being home period. It really has taken a toll on me. I began crossfit which is pretty great but I wish I was much more dedicated so I can see faster results. And also wish my trainer didn’t have a thing for me so it wouldn’t be awkward at times for me.

My birthday was just this weekend and well it didn’t turn out all that well. My family for one didn’t show. My friends did but my sister and (one old friend – sorta) were mad at how “ratchet” (as said by my sister) were because no one wanted to pay the bill. Mind you I had to pay about $45.00! Like really? No one bothered. It just made me realize how sucky these girls are. This is so embarrassing. The one friend that I have that I actually only hang out with her to go to Spanish places was 1 of 2 that actually brought me a gift. Mind you she’s not as close as the other bitch. So dissapointing. AND she actually stayed with me at the lounge till 4 a.m. I didn’t get drunk because I couldn’t stop thinking at how lame these so called friends are. Well wait I can’t say all of them just one in particular. It’s not like I have so many friends. After this experience honestly I cannot wait to start my new job and eliminate these negative people from my life and bring in some new fresh people. This will also include a change in myself personally and brining people in, trusting, understanding others and their opinions, and not being this “bitch” that everyone seems to know me as.

My love life at this point – I’m single. I was talking to a family friend but honestly I didn’t feel it. I knew he looked good and dressed good but he just didn’t make it wet lol (like Patty Stangner says). He got extremely annoying and I got pretty mean towards him but enough was enough. I like guys to romance me and he did none of that and that is indeed my biggest turn off ever.

The relationship with my mom at this time just sucks ass. She is obsessed with this idiot boyfriend and pays no attention to me and is like plain evil. She says so many snappy things to me that are so hurtful…then she wonders why I’m so mean to her. She has changed so much ever since she met him and it makes me sick.

I can say I am actually pretty sad/depressed and try to cover it up a lot by going out as much as I have lately. Let’s hope things change soon…

 

1 year later…

21 Oct

Funny, how I haven’t been on for one entire year and I’m back in the same position as I was in last year. Coinsidence? I am content with my job, I got it back so that I am happy with but they do overwork the heck out of me. My social life is in the same position as it last year. My love life once again is in the same position as it was last year. He doesn’t change for no one. His concern is as usual himself, his daughter, his family. and his boys. Now on top of that I find an email of him trying to conversate with an old fling. I approached him about it and of course he denied it. I can’t continue to drag my whole life for him a whole year again. It’s time to let it go. Yes, it kills me tremendously but I will never find what I need until I leave this situation.

Note: I will never lend anyone money.

Now I remember why…

1 Nov

So today has opened my eyes to once again me assuring myself on why I got the job I have today as a bartender. I’ve been so down lately because I have lost my social life and finally got to request today off (Halloween) and apparently no one is doing anything, everyone is being a complete bore.

Should have never requested this day off.

31 Oct

Lately I’ve been so depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve called out for help to my friends but they are just at a blank. No one seems to understand what I am going through and believe I’m just being overly dramatic or a big baby. I don’t know who else to turn to. Hopefully, the therapist I am going to can help me figure myself out because I have definitely lost myself.

Friends: I can’t consider myself to have “friends.” I can’t really depend on any to ever be available when I need them. I don’t even have a “social circle.” I would like to find some real friends that I can talk to, have drinks with, and just hang out.

School: I sometimes feel like not going anymore. I get unsure if I really want to be a teacher sometimes. I’m tired of being in school and having so much massive work I have to do along with all the hours and still trying to maintain sane.

Love: Oh, my wonderful, roller coaster of a love life. I don’t think there is much to say about it anymore. I’m unhappy. He will never grow out of being the way he’s always been since we broke up in 2007. It really has brought so much pain and agony for me and has become so hard to forgive and forget. I still seem to blame myself for everything. Something was wrong with me for him to cheat – it wasn’t all about the age difference and curfew, can’t be. He can’t seem to understand anything I’m coming from. I really thought he would grow up and change but he always seems to prove me right.

I really can say I have not been happy with myself since June. I am not content with myself or my life. I am extremely unhappy. I feel alone. I don’t have love coming from anyone. I can’t say I “care” for someone. I want to find someone to understand me. I want to find someone who can also complete me and make me better myself rather than put me down or bring more stress in my life. I want to be happy. I want to find someone now, start my life, move out, love, and the whole works.

 

Change isn’t always good.

31 Oct

So as I’ve mentioned before I started bartending at a club which is definitely a huge change into what I used to do. It has become so difficult for me. I feel much more tired, not enough sleep, no social life, and very little time for me and the things I enjoy to do. I’ve been applying as part time in a few ads but no response just yet. I really hope someone calls and it ends up being a good outcome for me. I need a change in my life asap. I can not continue to be this way with myself.

 

Help.

Change for me.

15 Sep

Why can’t he just change?

Why can’t he just see my point of view?

Why can’t he just do or notice what really is right rather than trying to avoid the ideas that I do give him?

Anyone can read this and surely say “just let it go” but damn I have NEVER had to chase anyone but him. I’m still trying to pin point what it is about him that has me hoooked. Why is it that I’m always the one that feels stressed out while he is well all dandy. Is it because I’m a girl and I’m all full of emotions? I try to act so tough and give him what I guess you can say ultimatums and threaten him that I am seeing other people or doing all this stuff and it literally flies right above his head. I don’t get it. He doesn’t like to work for anything. He wants everything just handed to him. It’s even funny to think that after his final text today saying that he gives up because I wanted a relationship counseling appointment that I wouldn’t doubt he would have a girl over his house giving him his needs. So irritating to know his every last move and how this really adds up to “Stephanie, just let it go.”

Oh, how I wish you would do a miraculous change, for me for once.