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Now I remember why…

1 Nov

So today has opened my eyes to once again me assuring myself on why I got the job I have today as a bartender. I’ve been so down lately because I have lost my social life and finally got to request today off (Halloween) and apparently no one is doing anything, everyone is being a complete bore.

Should have never requested this day off.

31 Oct

Lately I’ve been so depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve called out for help to my friends but they are just at a blank. No one seems to understand what I am going through and believe I’m just being overly dramatic or a big baby. I don’t know who else to turn to. Hopefully, the therapist I am going to can help me figure myself out because I have definitely lost myself.

Friends: I can’t consider myself to have “friends.” I can’t really depend on any to ever be available when I need them. I don’t even have a “social circle.” I would like to find some real friends that I can talk to, have drinks with, and just hang out.

School: I sometimes feel like not going anymore. I get unsure if I really want to be a teacher sometimes. I’m tired of being in school and having so much massive work I have to do along with all the hours and still trying to maintain sane.

Love: Oh, my wonderful, roller coaster of a love life. I don’t think there is much to say about it anymore. I’m unhappy. He will never grow out of being the way he’s always been since we broke up in 2007. It really has brought so much pain and agony for me and has become so hard to forgive and forget. I still seem to blame myself for everything. Something was wrong with me for him to cheat – it wasn’t all about the age difference and curfew, can’t be. He can’t seem to understand anything I’m coming from. I really thought he would grow up and change but he always seems to prove me right.

I really can say I have not been happy with myself since June. I am not content with myself or my life. I am extremely unhappy. I feel alone. I don’t have love coming from anyone. I can’t say I “care” for someone. I want to find someone to understand me. I want to find someone who can also complete me and make me better myself rather than put me down or bring more stress in my life. I want to be happy. I want to find someone now, start my life, move out, love, and the whole works.

 

Change for me.

15 Sep

Why can’t he just change?

Why can’t he just see my point of view?

Why can’t he just do or notice what really is right rather than trying to avoid the ideas that I do give him?

Anyone can read this and surely say “just let it go” but damn I have NEVER had to chase anyone but him. I’m still trying to pin point what it is about him that has me hoooked. Why is it that I’m always the one that feels stressed out while he is well all dandy. Is it because I’m a girl and I’m all full of emotions? I try to act so tough and give him what I guess you can say ultimatums and threaten him that I am seeing other people or doing all this stuff and it literally flies right above his head. I don’t get it. He doesn’t like to work for anything. He wants everything just handed to him. It’s even funny to think that after his final text today saying that he gives up because I wanted a relationship counseling appointment that I wouldn’t doubt he would have a girl over his house giving him his needs. So irritating to know his every last move and how this really adds up to “Stephanie, just let it go.”

Oh, how I wish you would do a miraculous change, for me for once.