Archive | October, 2011
31 Oct

Lately I’ve been so depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve called out for help to my friends but they are just at a blank. No one seems to understand what I am going through and believe I’m just being overly dramatic or a big baby. I don’t know who else to turn to. Hopefully, the therapist I am going to can help me figure myself out because I have definitely lost myself.

Friends: I can’t consider myself to have “friends.” I can’t really depend on any to ever be available when I need them. I don’t even have a “social circle.” I would like to find some real friends that I can talk to, have drinks with, and just hang out.

School: I sometimes feel like not going anymore. I get unsure if I really want to be a teacher sometimes. I’m tired of being in school and having so much massive work I have to do along with all the hours and still trying to maintain sane.

Love: Oh, my wonderful, roller coaster of a love life. I don’t think there is much to say about it anymore. I’m unhappy. He will never grow out of being the way he’s always been since we broke up in 2007. It really has brought so much pain and agony for me and has become so hard to forgive and forget. I still seem to blame myself for everything. Something was wrong with me for him to cheat – it wasn’t all about the age difference and curfew, can’t be. He can’t seem to understand anything I’m coming from. I really thought he would grow up and change but he always seems to prove me right.

I really can say I have not been happy with myself since June. I am not content with myself or my life. I am extremely unhappy. I feel alone. I don’t have love coming from anyone. I can’t say I “care” for someone. I want to find someone to understand me. I want to find someone who can also complete me and make me better myself rather than put me down or bring more stress in my life. I want to be happy. I want to find someone now, start my life, move out, love, and the whole works.



Change isn’t always good.

31 Oct

So as I’ve mentioned before I started bartending at a club which is definitely a huge change into what I used to do. It has become so difficult for me. I feel much more tired, not enough sleep, no social life, and very little time for me and the things I enjoy to do. I’ve been applying as part time in a few ads but no response just yet. I really hope someone calls and it ends up being a good outcome for me. I need a change in my life asap. I can not continue to be this way with myself.