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Midlife Crisis

21 Apr

I know I am not even close to be considered “old” but all I see is all the girls my age getting engaged or pregnant. I am greatly happy for all of them and their new upcoming futures but…

is there something wrong with me? Is it that I must change things within myself in order to be loved the proper way? I’ve dated quite a few and they just all go wrong. I still don’t know what the actual issue is and I need help figuring it all out.

The other day I also had a small procedure done…hoping its not cancerous. What will I do with myself if it is? I don’t believe I am strong enough to deal with something like that. I don’t really have anyone that would actually be there but my own mother. It’s sad when I sit and realize how I really have no one to depend on or lean on.

Hopefully the results turn out well…if not, I don’t know how I would actually live with myself.


Been awhile…

24 Jun

So I haven’t been on here in probably over a year. I want to write beforeĀ I read what I used to write about.

Life in general…

Well I left my job AGAIN. Same drama as usual but this time family interfered. It really hit me about week three or four and now I got into my actual career which luckily I was hired awfully quick and I’m proud but still a long way to go till August. It’s been sooo boring being at home I swear I don’t know how anyone enjoys being unemployed or being home period. It really has taken a toll on me. I began crossfit which is pretty great but I wish I was much more dedicated so I can see faster results. And also wish my trainer didn’t have a thing for me so it wouldn’t be awkward at times for me.

My birthday was just this weekend and well it didn’t turn out all that well. My family for one didn’t show. My friends did but my sister and (one old friend – sorta) were mad at how “ratchet” (as said by my sister) were because no one wanted to pay the bill. Mind you I had to pay about $45.00! Like really? No one bothered. It just made me realize how sucky these girls are. This is so embarrassing. The one friend that I have that I actually only hang out with her to go to Spanish places was 1 of 2 that actually brought me a gift. Mind you she’s not as close as the other bitch. So dissapointing. AND she actually stayed with me at the lounge till 4 a.m. I didn’t get drunk because I couldn’t stop thinking at how lame these so called friends are. Well wait I can’t say all of them just one in particular. It’s not like I have so many friends. After this experience honestly I cannot wait to start my new job and eliminate these negative people from my life and bring in some new fresh people. This will also include a change in myself personally and brining people in, trusting, understanding others and their opinions, and not being this “bitch” that everyone seems to know me as.

My love life at this point – I’m single. I was talking to a family friend but honestly I didn’t feel it. I knew he looked good and dressed good but he just didn’t make it wet lol (like Patty Stangner says). He got extremely annoying and I got pretty mean towards him but enough was enough. I like guys to romance me and he did none of that and that is indeed my biggest turn off ever.

The relationship with my mom at this time just sucks ass. She is obsessed with this idiot boyfriend and pays no attention to me and is like plain evil. She says so many snappy things to me that are so hurtful…then she wonders why I’m so mean to her. She has changed so much ever since she met him and it makes me sick.

I can say I am actually pretty sad/depressed and try to cover it up a lot by going out as much as I have lately. Let’s hope things change soon…