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1 year later…

21 Oct

Funny, how I haven’t been on for one entire year and I’m back in the same position as I was in last year. Coinsidence? I am content with my job, I got it back so that I am happy with but they do overwork the heck out of me. My social life is in the same position as it last year. My love life once again is in the same position as it was last year. He doesn’t change for no one. His concern is as usual himself, his daughter, his family. and his boys. Now on top of that I find an email of him trying to conversate with an old fling. I approached him about it and of course he denied it. I can’t continue to drag my whole life for him a whole year again. It’s time to let it go. Yes, it kills me tremendously but I will never find what I need until I leave this situation.

Note: I will never lend anyone money.

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31 Oct

Lately I’ve been so depressed. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve called out for help to my friends but they are just at a blank. No one seems to understand what I am going through and believe I’m just being overly dramatic or a big baby. I don’t know who else to turn to. Hopefully, the therapist I am going to can help me figure myself out because I have definitely lost myself.

Friends: I can’t consider myself to have “friends.” I can’t really depend on any to ever be available when I need them. I don’t even have a “social circle.” I would like to find some real friends that I can talk to, have drinks with, and just hang out.

School: I sometimes feel like not going anymore. I get unsure if I really want to be a teacher sometimes. I’m tired of being in school and having so much massive work I have to do along with all the hours and still trying to maintain sane.

Love: Oh, my wonderful, roller coaster of a love life. I don’t think there is much to say about it anymore. I’m unhappy. He will never grow out of being the way he’s always been since we broke up in 2007. It really has brought so much pain and agony for me and has become so hard to forgive and forget. I still seem to blame myself for everything. Something was wrong with me for him to cheat – it wasn’t all about the age difference and curfew, can’t be. He can’t seem to understand anything I’m coming from. I really thought he would grow up and change but he always seems to prove me right.

I really can say I have not been happy with myself since June. I am not content with myself or my life. I am extremely unhappy. I feel alone. I don’t have love coming from anyone. I can’t say I “care” for someone. I want to find someone to understand me. I want to find someone who can also complete me and make me better myself rather than put me down or bring more stress in my life. I want to be happy. I want to find someone now, start my life, move out, love, and the whole works.

 

Who to blame.

24 Aug

It’s always been said that at the end of a situation it’s always your fault and you shouldn’t blame others. But how about if someone told you to do something intentionally to hurt you and you come to find out after its been done? I quit my job about two months ago and I did it because my sister told me just do it. Now I have come about so many things that have backfired due to this. I can’t qualify for unemployment and even worse financial aid. I should start making my own decisions.

Dependent vs Independent

17 Aug

At a very young age I was brought up practically to be independent. My parents were always working and I was left on my own. I have grown up to be extremely independent unlike the rest of my friends or people I associate myself with to be exact. I can wash my own clothes, make my own money, pay my own bills, cook (small things), clean, etc. I love the fact that I have never needed anyone to assist me and fend for myself. It feels great to know that I can be left alone and be able to handle all the struggles that life does shoot at us.
But then sometimes I look at those who I know that are not independent and sort of get a sense of jealousy. They have everything given to them on a silver platter. I can speak to them about how I have to wash clothes and they give me the clueless look and question “You know how to wash your clothes?” Like really? Or still asking their parents for money, paying their bills, taking them shopping, etc. (I speak of girls 21+)
It’s crazy to know the differences. I am very grateful of the way I was brought up but sometimes I would like some spoiling.